Seeking answers

"Only when you stand to lose what is most precious to you, do you strive to achieve something higher."

Really? That is it?

"Yes."

That comes as a surprise. All these hours spent trying to comprehend the inner workings and hidden meanings leads me to this. I am not entirely certain it is a complete philosophy, but for today, it will have to do.

"Only when you stand to lose what is most precious to you, do you strive to achieve something higher." 

I am not sure how to interpret this. It feels so right, yet in feeling so right, it does not feel quite right at all. And had it been an answer I had arrived at after squeezing my brain like a lemon for an hour and a half, I would have disregarded it as a moronic rationalization by my mind just to get some rest. But, it arrived spontaneously, without the application of any direct force, and just eased its way the other thoughts that were occupying me.

I do not surrender to it, not yet. I look at it with a suspicious eye, because nothing is above suspicion, or beyond questioning. Yet, it has a simple elegance to it, yet seems to be something more complex, the more I try to utilize it.

"...stand to lose what is most precious..." I do not know what exactly is most precious to me. Occasionally, things have seemed valuable to me, but I have usually given up most of these things- some readily, some begrudgingly- for other things. Valuable, yes. Not precious.

It seems like the ultimate riddle. When do you realize what is most precious to you? When you stand to lose it. So, you strive to achieve something higher only when you realize what is most precious to you and at the same moment, are at risk of losing it.

Seems too confusing to me. Perhaps I should try not to lose something that is very valuable to me at the moment. My sleep.

Questions, Answers and (Dis-)Incentives

My life so far (somewhere between two and two-and-a-half decades) has often led me to question a lot of things. And I usually  like trying to find out things by questioning what I already know about them. Unfortunately, my most recent conclusion has been unexpected- that my life itself has been based upon self-deception and false expectations.

As a purely hobbyist psychologist and philosopher, I have always sought to understand why people do the things they do. Rather than look at people in general, I tried to focus on one person- myself. (Selfish, I know! But the ancient Greek "know thyself!" sounds too compelling to ignore.) Economics suggests that people respond to incentives and make rational decisions in order to maximize their ability to achieve those incentives. So, if I figured out what incentives are actually drawing me, perhaps I could know myself better.

But, how do you figure out what drives yourself? Probably by looking at your decisions. But, what kind of decisions? Tea or Coffee? Coffee, please. Black, strong, with crushed peppers and cinnamon, with a slight hint of sugar. Shaken not stirred. And passed through a strainer to remove particles. And, I like to sip it when it is still hot.

While that might be of interest to coffee shops if I were an average consumer (which would mean that they would have to make their mugs 70% larger), I do not, however, think it actually answers my philosopical question.  So, I should not look at these sort of decisions. Rather, I should look at more long term decisions, especially when I was motivated to do things.

But is motivation all? I have to actually look at the motives behind the motivation, if I am to figure myself out. And, here it actually gets confusing. Because, when I look at my achievements (not major achievements in the grand scheme of the world, unfortunately, but simply hillocks and plateaus in a scale graph of my life), I fail to find any connecting themes. In fact, the only two recurring reasons I can pin-point for these events are:  A. Because I had nothing better to do   AND   B. Because I had to get people off my back.

To conclude that I have either acted out of boredom or irritation is a real anti-climactic moment, in stark contrast to the epiphany I was expecting. But, these disincentives alone couldn't have been enough to motivate me. "Do this, or people will bother you" does not seem like the things my brain would tell me in order to get me to do things. Not directly, at least.

And, here, I go back a step. While the two reasons were the only recurring themes during my decision-making, these were not the only themes. No. At the time I was making those decisions, there were other themes that were present. And, at the time, those themes seemed to be the driving factors. However, looking back, I can infer that these motives were fake carrots put in front of me. I was tricked by my brain into thinking that certain short-term rewards would make my life better. Worse, I even misled myself into thinking that there were rewards while there actually were none. Meanwhile, the real driving forces remained hidden until I actually sat down and thought about the whole picture.

Knowing that almost all the things I have done in my life have been for wrong reasons is troublesome, to say the least. Even more distressing is the fact that my brain had to conjure up reasons to cover up boredom and irritation. And this leads to a moment when my brain looks at me with a grin on its face and says, "So? Now that you have the answer, what are you going to do about it?"

Right now, I don't know. But when I get to the answer of this question, I know another one will be waiting.

A brief thought on silence...

I have been away from the blog for a while. This has to do with a lot of things, including winter, me taking a break for contemplation and plain laziness. But, today I'm breaking this silence with a post... on silence.

I am a person that values silence. There was a time when silence was, to me, the hardest thing to maintain. It was a time when I did most of my thinking in the midst of a chaotic and noisy environment. I enjoyed being surrounded by a cacophony of strange noises. But, time has led me to be more at ease with silence. Perhaps it is just something I began to appreciate with growing age,but now, silence is the best companion I have.

There are varieties of silence besides the voluntary, contemplative silence, the type I choose to spend several hours in, every day. Even in the noisiest of places can some of these varieties be heard. Have you ever been in a football stadium when the away team has just scored? Or perhaps you have been rioting (hopefully not) when you heard a sudden warning shot from the cops. Or, witnessed the sudden silence of two people in a heated argument as they pause to take off their jackets before getting physical.

There are also happier forms of silence. Like, when a beggar stops bothering you when you dispose of some units of currency in his general direction. Or, when there is a sudden blackout when someone is playing extremely loud music next door. Or when that incessantly bothersome colleague has a sore throat.

As you might have noticed, silence is extremely pleasant when it interrupts stuff that is bothersome. That is why I enjoy the thoughtful, contemplative silence I mentioned before. It interrupts the multiple voices and pressures of daily life and gives me a chance to listen to myself. It creates an environment where stress dissolves. But, most importantly, it enables me to listen to the currents of ideas inside of me rather than the chaos of noises outside.