The Right Questions

"Good morning!"

"So, it is already morning there? That's good!"

"Where are you calling from?"

"Eight years, three months and nine days in the past. Maybe a few hours less, if it's morning already."

"Good one! Can I have a name, please?"

"Sure. Write down your own."

"So, you are claiming to be myself from the past? Brilliant!"

"I am not claiming anything. Just stating the facts."

"Okay, I'll humor you...If you are me, shouldn't I have already made this phone call myself?"

"You did. But you probably have forgotten by now."

"Yeah, like I would forget talking to myself..."

"And probably a lot of other things."

"Seriously, now...Who are you?"

"Do I have to say it again?"

"No, I'll say it for you...You are a psychotic idiot who is wasting my time."

"Ah, calling yourself names...I didn't imagine I'd stoop so low!"

"All right, I'll just hang up now."

"Go ahead. I'm not the one that needs this conversation."

"Oh really? You prank-call me this early in the morning and expect me to want—no, need—to talk to you?"

"It is not a prank call, but otherwise; yes. Have you anything to ask of me?"

"Relentless, aren't you? Will you leave me alone if I do?"

"Of course. But, you have to ask."

"Assuming you are a younger me, I'd like to ask a favor...Make fewer mistakes!"

"If that were possible, we wouldn't be having this conversation, would we? For me to grow into you, I have to live the same life—and make the same mistakes—that you did."

"Yeah, right...Timey-wimey stuff! So, what use for a fictitious conversation with myself from the past, if it can't change anything?"

"What do you want changed in your life?"

"A lot of things...I'd like it to be less boring, for starters."

"Ah, your life is boring—that's something to look forward to! How would you want it to be less so?"

"I don't know; find me an interesting hobby or something!"

"Like I said, I can't change things from here; I can only talk things over. The only hobby I can give you is having conversations with me."

"Yeah...That'd be some help! I've had more than enough conversing with you as it is..."

"What I can do is listen."

"If you really want to listen so bad, I can play some music for you."

"I don't really listen to much music. But it seems you do...That's nice!"

"Hey, nice trick...I really didn't listen to music when I was younger."

"Other than the occasional late night radio...Especially on Saturdays"

"Now, that's a bit more than a lucky guess. You must be someone I know."

"Seriously? I'm beginning to wonder if you even remember me..."

"Why don't you rekindle my memory, then?"

"What would you want to hear? Incidents? Ideas?"

"Okay, guess what nine-digit number I'm thinking of?"

"Ah, so you still carry it in your head? Three, eight, seven..."

"Wait. Have I talked to you before? I'm having some sort of a Déjà vu."

"Ah, so you remember having this conversation...Do you know what you said next? What I'm going to say next?"

"I'm not entirely sure..."

"I'm not entirely sure you believe me yet. Oh wait, you did remember!"

"No, I was saying that I'm not entirely sure that this talk is getting anywhere."

"I'm trying to help you and you are resisting...Of course we aren't getting anywhere."

"And how can you help me?"

"By getting you to ask the right questions."

"And what are the right questions?"

"I don't know. But, you will; when you do ask them."

"Do you have the answers, then?"

"I hope not."

"Seriously, what?"

"You say you are bored. If I give you any answers, do you think it will help?"

"If they can change the situation, probably yes."

"You still are not getting it, are you? Any answers I give you will be answers that you already had. You will dismiss them and continue as you were. But, if you find the right questions that you do not already have answers to, you will look for the answers..."

"And, how will I know when I find the right questions?"

"You just will. It won't be your first time. Nor mine."

"So, you are saying that we've faced the right questions before?"

"Yes."

"And we still don't know what they are?"

"Not quite. The right questions depend on the circumstances. You either solve them, or you change yourself in order to avoid them. Either way, you look for new questions."

"And, this goes on until...?"

"Forever, I guess. You cannot have faced all the questions and you surely cannot have all the answers."

"You seem to have some wise words for someone claiming to be eight years younger than me..."

"No, I just happen to have the answer to the right question at this time...And I hope you will find some more questions to keep youself occupied. Otherwise, there'll be a lot more boredom for both of us."

"So, this is goodbye then?"

"I believe so, yes."

"You know, I'm not as glad to hang up as I would have been fifteen minutes ago."

"Actually, it has only been nine. Open your eyes before your morning alarm rings again."

Opinion vs Belief: Why I Am a Non-believer

Let me start by stating that I do not believe. I do not believe in any theory, doctrine or dogma. I do not believe in religion. I do not believe in any political system. I do not believe in love. I do not believe in science. I do not believe that "everything's gonna be all right." (Sorry, Bob. It still is a nice song!)

I do not believe and I do not want to believe. Having spent a large chunk of my life trying to find something to believe in, I have come to the conclusion that belief—in anything—is not for me. I know, it sounds like a frustrated beggar saying that money isn't for him (although, I have my own arguments against money and other socio-economic-political institutions, I'll save them for another date). That is not the case. I came to the realization that belief is not for me, not out of desperation or frustration; I decided against belief after a period of contemplation.

What is belief? It is an concept that is backed by emotion, that requires irrefutable proof in order to be discarded. In other words, a belief is an idea that cannot be changed without being proved completely false.

Why do I not believe? I have ideas—that is the premise of this entire blog. I have feelings/emotions—although I try not to show it. The third part is what I do not agree with—the need for irrefutable proof to the contrary for an idea to be discarded.

So what do I do? I have opinions. What are opinions? They are ideas/concepts as well. They may or may not be backed by emotions. And, they do not need absolute proof to be discarded, only a reasonable amount of evidence.

What sort of evidence are we talking about? There are basically two kinds of evidence—internal and external. The external evidence comes from direct observation of the outside world as well as documentary evidence. Documentary evidence is evidence gathered from someone else's observation, for example by word of mouth or by reading something somebody else wrote. Internal evidence can be analytical(based on reasoning) or emotional.

What separates opinion from belief? The degree of evidence required to alter it. A belief requires a dramatic amount of internal evidence in order for it to be altered. Unless it can be disproved logically as well as broken down emotionally, a belief cannot be shaken.

An opinion, on the other hand, begins with a ready assumption that it might be wrong. An opinion can be changed, based on both internal or external evidence. And, if you know what an opinion is, you can listen to other people's opinion and accept that there is a chance that they are right.

Maybe your belief is right. Maybe there is an omnipotent deity who has the smell of lemon and the taste of strawberries. Maybe polycracy is the best political system there is. Perhaps true love was invented by Guy de Lusignan inside the Large Hadron Collider. If such is your belief, you will hold it true unless you are irrefutably proved wrong.

For a person with opinions but no beliefs, it is not so drastic. If I opine there is no omnipotent deity, I am still open to the idea that there may be one; I merely do not have enough evidence to agree that such a thing exists. Also, despite the LHC  being built only recently at CERN, Geneva, I cannot be entirely certain that Lusignan doesn't work there under an assumed name or that medieval Jerusalem didn't have a particle accelerator. I can merely make opinions based on evidence available to me at the moment. These opinions can be changed as and when further evidence—either affirmative or contrary—is provided.

And thus I end this stream of thought with my final opinion—I do not believe that I am right. I merely opine and hope that I am.

The Historical Past: Your Very Own Time Machine

"The past...it is a changin'..."

Not exactly what Bob Dylan sang, but music is one thing I do not claim any knowledge about. I just listen to it, occasionally sing along in a voice that would make a hyena cry. Please, therefore do not expect me to write about anything musical in this blog, anytime soon.

But, let me get back on topic. The ever-changing past. Of course, by the time you read this, it shall already be in my past. Yet, I have not completed it, so it is currently in my present, stretching out into the future. This constant flow of events from the future to the present, then to the past, is what we call time.

There are two pasts to everything. The "factual past" and the "historical past". The factual past is the sequence in which things actually happened. It directly caused present. The historical past is how we perceive the actual past to have occurred. It may or may not be a very accurate description. However, the historical past is that which influences the future more than the factual past, at least in the case of human behavior.

Have you ever changed your own historical past? I am sure you have. Every time you recall a memory, you change it slightly, based on your current emotions and circumstances. Even while doing something as mundane as deleting the not-very-flattering photos from your digital camera after (or during; if you are such a nitpicker) a holiday, you are influencing how you will recall events in the future.

The factual past does not influence your actions as the historical past does. It is how your perception of the events in the past and your emotions regarding them, that causes you to react in a certain way when anything reminiscent of the same event is encountered in the present or the future. And, those reactions will again interfere with your recollections, altering them over and over again.

Can it be avoided? Perhaps if you could carry a video camera that records each and every interaction and activity, you could document a historical past that is as close to factual as possible. Still, it will only document your outer environment. It will not express your exact emotions or feelings, although you might try to decipher them from your facial expressions. Or, for more scientific data, you might also want to carry a monitor displaying your vital signs (or, if you want even more data, use fMRI- which would probably keep you stuck to one spot, so you might consider a portable multi-channel EEG-NIRS combo which seems to be in vogue these days).

Before I go off on another tangent, which will probably end up in Wikipedia getting a few hits on some of its less popular pages, I bring myself back to the topic at hand and ask this question: Even if you could potentially record your entire life story as well as the exact feeling and bodily responses of every single moment, would you want to?

I know I wouldn't. While sometimes factual memory might be helpful (for example, in remembering the number-plate of the car that just knocked you down and crushed your left big toe when you were jaywalking across the street), it is not something you would want for every event. If you recalled everything exactly, you would find it very difficult to make amends with someone you had an argument with. You would be unable use time as an emotional healer. And, all those embarrassing things you did as a child? Aren't you glad you can laugh them off without having to remember how red-faced you were at the time?

As a writer, it helps that I know that the historical past is different from the factual past. Whenever I write about anything, I can seamlessly (and shamelessly) incorporate false events, emotions and ideas as though they were as real as the factual events. Also, I can (and often do) go one step further.

While most people unknowingly change their historical past, I do so consciously and deliberately as well. This way, I can sideline (or erase, if the need be) conflicting and confusing memories and feelings from my thoughts. Doing so consciously enables me to put a mental bookmark of sorts, so I can remember most of the initial events if I try hard enough. Of course, if there are events that you I not want to place a bookmark in, that is a different story.

Before I close I want you to consider this: Your mind is a time-machine. You may not be able to go back in time and stop yourself from making the "biggest  mistake" in your life. But, if you want to, you can go back in your memories and change them, either so that there isn't a mistake in the first place, or so that the "mistake" doesn't negatively influence how you think or act in the future.

Habeas magnum tempor!

Seeking answers

"Only when you stand to lose what is most precious to you, do you strive to achieve something higher."

Really? That is it?

"Yes."

That comes as a surprise. All these hours spent trying to comprehend the inner workings and hidden meanings leads me to this. I am not entirely certain it is a complete philosophy, but for today, it will have to do.

"Only when you stand to lose what is most precious to you, do you strive to achieve something higher." 

I am not sure how to interpret this. It feels so right, yet in feeling so right, it does not feel quite right at all. And had it been an answer I had arrived at after squeezing my brain like a lemon for an hour and a half, I would have disregarded it as a moronic rationalization by my mind just to get some rest. But, it arrived spontaneously, without the application of any direct force, and just eased its way the other thoughts that were occupying me.

I do not surrender to it, not yet. I look at it with a suspicious eye, because nothing is above suspicion, or beyond questioning. Yet, it has a simple elegance to it, yet seems to be something more complex, the more I try to utilize it.

"...stand to lose what is most precious..." I do not know what exactly is most precious to me. Occasionally, things have seemed valuable to me, but I have usually given up most of these things- some readily, some begrudgingly- for other things. Valuable, yes. Not precious.

It seems like the ultimate riddle. When do you realize what is most precious to you? When you stand to lose it. So, you strive to achieve something higher only when you realize what is most precious to you and at the same moment, are at risk of losing it.

Seems too confusing to me. Perhaps I should try not to lose something that is very valuable to me at the moment. My sleep.

Questions, Answers and (Dis-)Incentives

My life so far (somewhere between two and two-and-a-half decades) has often led me to question a lot of things. And I usually  like trying to find out things by questioning what I already know about them. Unfortunately, my most recent conclusion has been unexpected- that my life itself has been based upon self-deception and false expectations.

As a purely hobbyist psychologist and philosopher, I have always sought to understand why people do the things they do. Rather than look at people in general, I tried to focus on one person- myself. (Selfish, I know! But the ancient Greek "know thyself!" sounds too compelling to ignore.) Economics suggests that people respond to incentives and make rational decisions in order to maximize their ability to achieve those incentives. So, if I figured out what incentives are actually drawing me, perhaps I could know myself better.

But, how do you figure out what drives yourself? Probably by looking at your decisions. But, what kind of decisions? Tea or Coffee? Coffee, please. Black, strong, with crushed peppers and cinnamon, with a slight hint of sugar. Shaken not stirred. And passed through a strainer to remove particles. And, I like to sip it when it is still hot.

While that might be of interest to coffee shops if I were an average consumer (which would mean that they would have to make their mugs 70% larger), I do not, however, think it actually answers my philosopical question.  So, I should not look at these sort of decisions. Rather, I should look at more long term decisions, especially when I was motivated to do things.

But is motivation all? I have to actually look at the motives behind the motivation, if I am to figure myself out. And, here it actually gets confusing. Because, when I look at my achievements (not major achievements in the grand scheme of the world, unfortunately, but simply hillocks and plateaus in a scale graph of my life), I fail to find any connecting themes. In fact, the only two recurring reasons I can pin-point for these events are:  A. Because I had nothing better to do   AND   B. Because I had to get people off my back.

To conclude that I have either acted out of boredom or irritation is a real anti-climactic moment, in stark contrast to the epiphany I was expecting. But, these disincentives alone couldn't have been enough to motivate me. "Do this, or people will bother you" does not seem like the things my brain would tell me in order to get me to do things. Not directly, at least.

And, here, I go back a step. While the two reasons were the only recurring themes during my decision-making, these were not the only themes. No. At the time I was making those decisions, there were other themes that were present. And, at the time, those themes seemed to be the driving factors. However, looking back, I can infer that these motives were fake carrots put in front of me. I was tricked by my brain into thinking that certain short-term rewards would make my life better. Worse, I even misled myself into thinking that there were rewards while there actually were none. Meanwhile, the real driving forces remained hidden until I actually sat down and thought about the whole picture.

Knowing that almost all the things I have done in my life have been for wrong reasons is troublesome, to say the least. Even more distressing is the fact that my brain had to conjure up reasons to cover up boredom and irritation. And this leads to a moment when my brain looks at me with a grin on its face and says, "So? Now that you have the answer, what are you going to do about it?"

Right now, I don't know. But when I get to the answer of this question, I know another one will be waiting.

A brief thought on silence...

I have been away from the blog for a while. This has to do with a lot of things, including winter, me taking a break for contemplation and plain laziness. But, today I'm breaking this silence with a post... on silence.

I am a person that values silence. There was a time when silence was, to me, the hardest thing to maintain. It was a time when I did most of my thinking in the midst of a chaotic and noisy environment. I enjoyed being surrounded by a cacophony of strange noises. But, time has led me to be more at ease with silence. Perhaps it is just something I began to appreciate with growing age,but now, silence is the best companion I have.

There are varieties of silence besides the voluntary, contemplative silence, the type I choose to spend several hours in, every day. Even in the noisiest of places can some of these varieties be heard. Have you ever been in a football stadium when the away team has just scored? Or perhaps you have been rioting (hopefully not) when you heard a sudden warning shot from the cops. Or, witnessed the sudden silence of two people in a heated argument as they pause to take off their jackets before getting physical.

There are also happier forms of silence. Like, when a beggar stops bothering you when you dispose of some units of currency in his general direction. Or, when there is a sudden blackout when someone is playing extremely loud music next door. Or when that incessantly bothersome colleague has a sore throat.

As you might have noticed, silence is extremely pleasant when it interrupts stuff that is bothersome. That is why I enjoy the thoughtful, contemplative silence I mentioned before. It interrupts the multiple voices and pressures of daily life and gives me a chance to listen to myself. It creates an environment where stress dissolves. But, most importantly, it enables me to listen to the currents of ideas inside of me rather than the chaos of noises outside.